September 15, 2011

Wow :-(

A'salaamu alaikum ya'll. For the majority of you, thank you so much for your care, concern and duat. Wallahi you just don't know how much you are appreciated!

However, I did receive one comment I felt was decidedly un-sister-like in it's tone. Here is the comment received from Anon of my last post (about my divorce and move):


I dont mean to be rude, but why aren't your sons living with you? I just cant understand why you would leave your children to raise your husband children and your daughter. And if they didnt want to move, then YOU have to stay put for them.

From what you mention here, they havent been living with you for awhile. Its very strange to me."


Anonymous, wow. Guess your comment kinda took me by surprise. I like to see my blog as a positive place, one I turn to for support but alhamdulillah.

So long story short: i was dying. Yeah that's pretty short. And going through a divorce. And my ex's family paid for a lawyer but I had no money for one. My ex asked to have full custody on paper because of my rapidly failing health. (My kidneys were failing, I was in End Stage Renal Disease and I had suffered a stroke and 3 grand mal seizures.) He said he didn't want any issues with my family interfering if I were to die suddenly and had joint custody.

I agreed. He is an excellent father and was always honest. For several years I picked my boys up every day after dialysis when I could barely drag my body out of the clinic. ALHAMDULILLAH.

I helped them with their school reports, bandaged their cuts, and helped heal their little broken hearts. ALHAMDULILLAH.

I scheduled parent conferences between the thirteen different surgeries I had during the space of 2 years. I even managed to make goodies for bake sales and chaperone field trips. ALHAMDULILLAH.

Did I forget to mention I also went to college, full-time, pre-nursing major, and got a 3.8 gpa? ALHAMDULILLAH.
I did all I could, I gave my best, and then some. I did it gratefully, joyfully, happily because they were my sons. ALHAMDULILLAH.

Then their father got a girlfriend. Oh don't worry getting them today, he said, just rest a little. You're so sick. When he kept making excuses and I said, ok I'm just coming to get them he said no. He reminded me that on paper HE had full custody and HE felt it was for their "best interests" to not be back and forth between our homes.

So for a while I got them every Wednesday and every weekend. ALHAMDULILLAH.

Then he said, you know, the Wednesday really messes up their week and I want them some on the weekends. How about you just get them on every other weekend and every Sunday?

I cried, I begged... he was firm. It seems I wasn't good for his relationship with the new woman. I was still on disability, still poor, and had no way to pay a lawyer to go back to court to change the custody arrangement. ALHAMDULILLAH!

I did contact Legal Aid; they do not take family law cases. ALHAMDULILLAH.

So fast forward many years. I convert to Islam and search for a husband who will move to my town so I can be with my sons every other weekend. It's hard, I find one, and he turns out to be a green-card seeker. ALHAMDULILLAH!

I finally accepted A's proposal and with it, the knowledge I had to move away. I am sure that you know children are given to the father after a certain age or upon the re-marriage of the mother. So according to Allah swt my sons were supposed to be with their father, although it was something I fought against and could find no comfort in for a long time.

I finally realized that while they do need their mother, they need to grow to be MEN. They need to grow with a strong male example. Their father loves them and is a wonderful dad to them.

I was faced with the decision of remaining single (which is not from our religion!) to see my sons every other weekend. Or remarry (as we are urged to do) and allow them to live with their father (as Shariah tells us they should).

I guess, Anon, I fail to see what's so confusing about this. I went through a horribly sad time, I missed my sons so much and I did everything in my power to be a loving, attentive mother.

I'm sorry you feel it's very strange. Next time, ukhti, try making 70 excuses for your brother (or sister) and make du'a for her instead of judging her.

To my readers: Sorry if I am a little emotional. Usually I am pretty even-keeled but this is indeed a sore point with me. I am feeling a little fragile right now and just don't need this kind of drama. If I have spoken out of turn, I ask you all to forgive me.

Ma salaama...


Liza Khan said...


I have never posted but am a frequent reader. I am so sorry that a Muslimah would make you feel this way. To make you go through all your hardships and discomforts again.
Saying this ( I hope I don't sound like the Anon, if I do please forgive me) You owe no one explanations and when you see comments that disrespectful don't even look at them twice. Allah knows your heart, life, intention.
Insha'Allah if the sister is reading my comment I hope she understands I am not judging her I am just giving you a piece of advice I use in my blog.

My Allah help us and give us guidance to help each other more and support each other. May he also forgive me if my own comment is viewed as judgmental.


Umm Aaminah said...

Jazaki Allahu khair sis for taking the time to post. :-) Usually I don't really take offense at simple things such as this. I guess because this involves my children and it makes me a bit hyper-sensitive.

Amin to your dua.... :-)

Muslim Convert said...

erm you know people simply don't think before they speak and many times they assume.

We've all been in situations (I assume :P) where someone has thought something of us that wasn't true or unfairly judged something that they know nothing about. Islam doesn't teach us this, but so many times this comes from other Muslims.

I would have been upset too seeing what you've gone through, there is a difference between a genuine curiosity and someone trying to make you feel low. Posting this type of comment as "anonymous" doesn't make it seem like a genuine curiosity.

People (general terms) don't have to agree with you (general), but there should at least be respect.

Just my 2 cents

sarah said...

That's really cheap from that user...and you had no explanations to give for anyone...we all who have been reading, i suppose, have seen what a great mother you are..

Um Zakarya said...

Assalamu Aleykum sis,

SubhanALLAH some people are just too much.Don't worry sister, you've done all you could, whatever happened was Fate and Alhamdulillah for everything.
At the end of the day, the only one who will have the right to judge will be ALLAH SWT InshALLAH.
Btw in France if someone is on low income or no income at all, they get a free lawyer paid by government funding.It seems things are a bit tougher in the US.

My heart and duas are with you sister.

Lot of love.

Karima said...

Asalamalaikum sister, I hope you realise by reading your comments that your main followers are all supporting you. It is hard when you feel you are being judged because normally we (most muslimahs) don't like to discuss detailed personal matters and others don't know all the details! It was nice of you to share your hardships and I guess that was difficult for you to do, but in one way at least we (your readers) do have more understanding of your situation. Please take care of yourself, my thoughts are with you, Karima :)

♥ααℓiα♥ said...

Asalaamu 3alaikum,

I agree with Liza Khan -- I had some dumb@ss Anon recently call me a "crap mother" but guess what it didn't bother me cuz ALLAH knows I am doing what's right for my kids inshaaAllah!!

Your Post made my eyes tear because I can somewhat understand what u went thru (making the decision to leave your sons with their father and at the same time be there for them -- barakAllahufeeki) and I wanna say, Allah is Most Merciful wal7amdulillah <3

Stranger said...

assalamu alaykum sis,

some ppl just cant or wont understand, and definitely if they knew more about Islam would not make you feel in such a way. This idea that women have to sacrifice everything for their children - even to be alone and without mahram does not come from Islam at all! Trust me I had the exact same situation on my blog, someone saying this about my son before and how could I leave him, well subhanAllah sometimes we just dont have other options, and the truth of the matter is, exactly as you said! So just pray for this ignorant reader that he/she finds correct Islamic guidance and that Muslims everywhere follow the correct Islamic practice and not the beliefs of most modern western societies because just looking at the family in such places will give you a glimpse of how wrong their ideas are!

Alhumdullah you have a chance to be with your children now and as we know this is all from the Qadr of Allah and Allah knows best, even if sometimes we might think we know otherwise!

May Allah guide you, protect you and your family always ameen

Anonymous said...

I think respect is the first thing that should come to mind - judging people without knowing their story is a bit sad but you know lots of people are like this, ready to jump on what they think are mistakes.
Don't apologise for being emotional, it's understandable, as I imagine you've been through a lot, privileging what's best for your sons - I read here lots of mother's love. It's brave and I wish you all the best for your future - At the end Allah knows everything, be in peace.
Take care

Anonymous said...

Assalamo alaykum,

You did your best with your children mashAllah:)

Only Allah knows why think are like this and not like that and only his judgement matters.

Take care.

Anonymous said...

May Allah make it easy for you and your children. This man having the children is not a given right specially since this person is not practising. I think child custody in islam is misunderstood and abused by certain people. They really should've have provided you with assistance and given you legal aid. The mother is almost always the best person for the child.

You tried and I had no right. I will make 70 excuses from now now. Please forgive me. I made a mistake.

Mona Z said...

You know, you're right, no one can judge without walking in the other's shoes. I've learned that you can't judge from afar and well, I hope that Anon reads this.

Umm Aaminah said...

Thanks to all for the support! To
Anon, no worries. I was upset at first, it hurt my feelings. No matter how much we might say other's opinions don't matter, they do. And it hurt me one of my readers felt that way about me.

I wasn't very kind in my nasiha either; insha'Allah we both learn, sis. :-)

UmZ, i've had a hard time commenting on your blog lately but you are in my thoughts and prayers, too, sis. Love you!

Um Zakarya said...

Don't worry about commenting sis, I understand you're probably going through a kind of "transition period".
lot of love to you and Aaminah, I was wondering how has your divorce with A affected her?

Anonymous said...

your husband divorced you in this situation and you still pray good for have a great soul my dear sister.
may allah protect and keep you happy.

Bonnie said...

Salam alikum my dear sister

I haven't been around in blogland lately due to the new baby but just wanted to come by and say how sorry I am that you are having to go through this. You are in my dua's a few times a day and I commend your bravery so much. You are such a wonderful mother which is plain for anyone to see!! Lots and lots of love xxxx

Anonymous said...



Umm Aaminah said...

Jazakum Allahu khair to all who commented!