January 30, 2011
I am a coward
I had an opportunity tonight. At first glance, it didn't seem like much. My mother (who seems to be going through a bit of an existential crisis lately) posted the following on her fb:
Mom: Well, got the church thing behind me. No tumbled down walls or even a crack in the foundation. LOL
Then alot of her friends comment, laughingly, some who attend the church my grandmother and her family founded, encouragingly.
Me: Well, you could try branching out a little. :-)
This is my trying-to-be funny way of getting her to at least think about Islam. I thought it was pretty obvious (as I am a Muslim) and either she would pause and think about it or laugh.
Mom: As in?
A few more random comments... Now it's up to me. My mom asked, as in what kind of branching out. Here is my seque, all I have to do is say it.
I freeze. Allah forgive me, but I don't know what to say. I don't want any of my non-Muslim family to think I judge them, to think they are ignorant. However, the very way in which my mother (and others) were making light of this situation speaks to me about one of the inherent problems many "psuedo-Christians" or Christians in name only have: no respect or fear for our Lord and Creator.
Instead of thinking of the best way to highlight the simplicity of Islam, instead of gently saying, I don't think this is really something to be joking about, I cave. Instead I posted the following:
Me: Oh I don't know, like different church or a different denomination or a different religion (for example Islam). :-) Really whatever way you feel you should go, I would support you.
And that's it. I feel sick to myself inside, I feel as if I had something of a chance, an easy way to give dawah, to help spread Islam and all I do is write a couple of joking references. :-( I have never felt myself a coward; I chose a new religion and a new life and didn't worry about what my family would say because I knew in my heart it was right.
But to confront them directly, to even hint that they are wrong and I am right, that there is something intrinsically wrong with the faith base they grew up with, that they are comfortable with... it's a difficult, difficult thing to do. I always thought, if given the opportunity, I would rise to the challenge.
I did not.