A belated update!

My hijabi shadow with Li'l Miss :)

Salaam, peace, and a great big howdy from East Tennessee! Cap'n did, indeed, make it here as did H. We have been living the family life and LOVING it, masha'Allah!

I cannot say enough good things about having our family complete and all under one roof. H is acclimating to the US but of course the chilliness is hard for both of them to get used to!

I am feeling faaar too lazy to blur faces so there will not be any pictures today but soon, iA, soon, I will. :) Cap'n is THE most private person I know so I'll have to see what his comfort level is.

Oh on a culinary level we are really enjoying exploring southern food together! Cap'n is a definite southern food aficianado! And masha'Allah he cleans after I cook so it's a total win/win! Biscuits and gravy, beef bacon omg yummmm!, and chili have all made appearances much to his delight. H is also LOVING my way of cooking which is nice, too. :)

We went to the dollar store to grab some helium balloons to make the occasion festive and look what we found! Jamaican flag colors AND an American flag balloon. Fitting!

Li'l Miss is absolutely adoring having her Daddy here, someone to wrestle with and dote on. It's been so sweet seeing them together and knowing she feels like she has a full family. :) Right now she coloring little shapes on paper and cutting them out and presenting them to us as gifts, mA. I love her little heart!

Feeling blessed beyond blessed, happy my husband is FINALLY here and just alhamdulillah at ease for the first time in a long time!

As for my health, my kidney function had declined yet again. :( Creatnine at it's highest at 5.41 and I just did a 24 hour urine; today is Christmas so the doctor's office is closed so iA I'll get the results tomorrow or the next day. I'm hoping the 24 hour test will show it's actually higher than the daily result so duas, please. :)

Oh Sis Umm Ibrahim at Old School Hijabi does a feature on covering muslimahs and I submitted my "story". A lot of time us plus-size sisters aren't shown on websites, etc. because our style is more dowdy or less exciting or whatever. :) I wanted my other larger-than-life sistahs to know you can be modest, on budget, and not look too shabby with a few tips and tricks. :) Mostly long khimars, cheap sundresses, and tissue tee cardigans. :D

Alright, iA I'll be back, I needed my "honeymoon" time (please no naysayers from the haram brigade telling me it has pagan roots, blah blah blah... just a phrase) and now we are settling into our routine alhamdulillah.

Ma salaama ya'll!

This is the day!!!!!!!

Salaam and peace ya'll! What a lovely lovely day! Cap'n and H are on their way as I type. :) On a bus to the airport then straight through to Atlanta. My best friend's husband (who, as you know by now, is Cap'n's best friend) is driving to get him. It's about a 3 hour drive from here and it's just too much for my body to handle. :)

So I am going to spend my day being excited, making a cake, cleaning the kitchen and bathrooms. Whew! Li'l Miss needs her room straightened again too, Allah help me! :)

But I am so happy there is very little which could dampen my mood today. I feel so blessed today, ya'll. :) Ma salaama!

...and then there were...

THREE days til Cap'n and H arrive. :D Alhamdulillah, subhanallah, allahu akbar! Tickets purchased, details co-ordinated, bags packed. It's been a long 2 years but sooo worth it.

We cleaned out Old G :)

Old G is what Aaminah named our 1998 Pontiac Grand Prix Supercharged GTP. Yes it's a muscle car of sorts. It's fast. It has an all-leather interior. And she was OLD. Past her prime with a cracked dash, cracked windshield and cracked heads. ;)

But we loved Ol' G. She was pretty dependable but of course her issues were many. No a/c, heat works but the blower wasn't connected to the duct work so it didn't blow out, bad struts and shocks, overheating, etc etc etc. Oh my, it was a lot of work to keep her running!

I wanted a new car but I had a few issues. One, Muslims are forbidden from usury or interest and being sick and two, on disability did not make it easy for me to save up money for a new vehicle so we were stuck. With Cap'n and H coming we really wanted a bigger car, definitely not 2 door Old G. Something not threatening to break down every couple of days.

Then I found it. My new vehicular love. :) Look isn't it purty? And a GREAT price! It's a 2002 Isuzu Axiom, a 6 cyl SUV that seats 5. I wouldn't have minded a 7 seater but the price on this was unbelievable! I really feel like Allah swt blessed us with the opportunity to get this car:

Sweet ride! ;)

Alhamdulillah it does not look 10 years old and it drove great! I get it on Tuesday; we had to wait for the man's daughter to be able to come and sign the title. Make dua it does, indeed, go through, because I am really looking forward to having a nice, comfortable vehicle for us as a family iA. :)

I think we might save Old G for a secondary car for Cap'n to use if I am out and he needs to run somewhere. Never bad to have 2 cars when you live where we do and it's not easy to access things without a car. Speaking of Old G, look how purty she cleaned up:

Aaminah's booster on the left and her friend J's on the right. :)

She doesn't show her age too bad, huh?

Aaminah was a great help! We detailed Old G, rubbed her plastic/rubber parts with lemon oil wipes (gave it a great shine!) and cleaned the windows, too. We even took her and vacuumed her out! I laughingly told Cap'n I sure wouldn't have spent an hour in the freezing cold detailing the car if I thought we were gonna keep it! ;)

We were going to sell her but to be honest, we couldn't get too much out of a 16 year old car and decided it was probably better just to keep it for Cap'n to drive as a second car. I did put an ad on craigslist but only got a couple of replies and one of those wanted it on payments! lol I think my exact reply was, "I need cash in hand up front. If I were wealthy I would not have been driving a 16 year old car!" LOL

So make dua for us this is good for our family. Oh tentatively, Cap'n and H should be here on Thursday, Thanksgiving Day! The tickets are cheapest that day so it makes sense to travel then. Unsure yet though because he is still waiting on his passport/visa to be delivered. It was officially issued on THURSDAY and H's was on FRIDAY so of course the weekend was wasted time. Praying for them to be ready tomorrow or Tuesday so we can buy 2 tickets!!!

PLEASE, make dua for us that they arrive here safely. Ya'll all know how long we have waited, how patient we've really tried to be and I really feel Allah swt is blessing us for our constantcy.

Insha'Allah he will be here this week!!!!! ma salaama ya'll!

Still no Mr. Ummi of Aami :)

Salaam and howdy, ya'll! :) Still waiting on Cap'n's passport to be returned with his visa stamp. This long, arduous process is almost over and I.can't.wait. :D This part is sooo hard though because we know we are at the finish line and just waiting on the embassy to send his passport back via DHL.


Le sigh... ;)

On a slighter gloomier note, my kidney function dropped down a bit again. On a brighter note, I am responding well to the procrit injections and thus my H&H (hematocrit and hemoglobin) have risen a bit. Alhamdulillah! I feel stronger, less out of breath, just better. :) So a little give, a little take and insha'Allah khair for it all.

I have been making preparations for Cap'n and H's arrival. My stepson has requested...wait for it... corndogs! If you are from the southern US or midwest you definitely know what these are! Hotdogs dipped in a slightly sweet cornbread batter and fried. Decadent deliciousness dipped in mustard. :) So we have a brand here made with chicken meat and H is very excited. lol Kids are so cute!

Aaminah is prepared to share her room until we are able to get approved for a 3 bedroom. H will take the bed and Aaminah will sleep on a pallet on the floor or a large bean bag we have. Hopefully we'll get to move in 2-3 months so it's a temporary situation. :)

Cap'n is finally letting himself get excited now and make plans. :) I always make plans I love to think about what we'll do when he is here, etc but Cap'n is a bit more pragmatic and after our past denials and heartache, has tried to not let his hopes get up. Now he is finally feeling confident and iA before too long I'll be on here tell ya'll about it!!!

Oh Li'l Miss and I made homemade granola for the first time. It was insane! Pretty basic recipe; I culled it from many different sources but was originally inspired by an episode of Guy Fieri's "Diners, Driveins and Dives" where a lady made some.

We used oats, chopped almonds, and coconut mixed with coconut oil, butter and maple syrup. Bake it at 300 for about 30 minutes, stirring every 10 to ensure even browning. After you remove it from the oven, let it cool then add your chopped dried fruit. We had a mix of cranberries, cherries, and blueberries. Amazing! I keep my empty peanut butter and pasta sauce jars (clean them of course!) to store leftovers in and that's what's keeping our granola nice and comfy. :)

Think I'll have some now. :) Ma salaama ya'll!

Allahu akbar!!! Yes! Score! Woo hoo! :)

Salaam ya'll! Can you guess? Do you know? Have you EVER read my blog??? Yes you are right, Cap'n has his approval!!! Subhanallah, alhamdulillah, wa Allahu akbar! It's been a LOOOOONG two years and not without its bumps.

*Being apart

*Being sick and hospitalized and in treatment

*Being a single parent

*Being sad and lonely but reallllly trying to stay positive and trust in the mercy of Allah swt

And then the topper... he was denied. Temporarily, on his interview Nov. 1st. We were devastated. Gutted. I mean, how, why, What???? It turns out our application was awesome, he had a great interviewer who totally understood we were in love, we were in a real relationship...

But India. Oh India, you came back to bite me in the butt. :( They had an issue with my divorce paper from Mumbai. From 2009. Seriously??? Because at this point, we had turned in that SAME paper to the USCIS twice and ti has been accepted. They considered me divorced for purpose of remarriage so I thought we were all set. How could THAT be a problem?

It went to the embassy and someone there said, Huh, this doesn't look like a standard divorce decree. Well, its not. It's from India, the land of twisted bureaucracy and inept officials. Come on now, you all know it's true. Our divorce was officiated by a Qazi, the head Qazi in Mumbai. He had letterhead, for Pete's sake! And a stamp, there was a stamp! You don't get more official than that in India.

So I sent an email. Then another one. I quoted the State Department website which said they accept foreign divorces. Oh the wating was so hard! A week of tears and prayers, trying to stay strong and make plans "just in case". Alhamdulillah our steadfastness has paid off!

He got a call yesterday to come back and bring his passport! Oh yes, thank you Allah! I cried, all I could say was "Alhamdulillah, Allahu akbar!" over and over. It's been a long time and we have been patient. We have kept ourselves pure for one another. We have trusted in Allah and He as NOT failed us. He never does. We plan and Allah plans and He is the BEST of planners.

Has it been a long journey? Yes. Has it been hard? Definitely. Has it been worth it? A 1,000 times over! It's hard to find osmeone you love so much and are so well matched with. I am grateful the waiting is almost over.

Please, remember to keep us in your duaa. iA Cap'n should be here by December. :)

Blessings we don't deserve

Salaam ya'll! This verse came to mind today. I met with some very good, awesome, EXCELLENT news regarding Cap'n's impending immigration and I was awestruck. I feel like every little good deed I do, Allah rewards me ten-fold.

Take this morning for example. I almost missed fajr then remembered at the last moment. It was really dark today. Anyway I almost missed it but alhamdulillah caught it just in time. I felt really great, like I had started my day off on the best note.

Everything went smoother. I got extra chores done, dinner in the crock pot, I just felt on top of everything. It was awesome. Had a great conversation with my husband. I had emailed the embassy just a few days before because we were concerned we still didn't have an interview date yet.

I check my email later and, lo and behold, we had a reply! He has an interview date in the beginning of November, barely 3 weeks away. I was ecstatic. I praised Allah, I prayed 2 rakat voluntary prayer as thanksgiving, I called Cap'n, we rejoiced. It's been a loooong 2 years, ya'll, a long 2 years.

I don't think of everything I do in terms of rewards and punishments. I try to do things for the love of Allah and His messenger, to try and show just a smidge of the beauty and compassion of Islam in my actions. So sometimes it catches me off-guard when a blessing just falls on me like this.

It was the same during Ramadhan. I offered to do the babysitting. It's not without remuneration but it's not a great amount. I did alhamdulillah go above and beyond what was required. I did crafts with the kids, entertained them, and picked up the slack from some other sisters that I really like but who just aren't suited for child care. I was feeling kinda put-upon, you know when you do more than others and you start feeling like you do EVERYTHING and NOBODY appreciates it.

Then, we get our immigration approval. I was through the roof and it made me feel so warm and loved, to know Allah loves me so much, despite my imperfections, because that is how He made me and He knows my struggles, my triumphs, and my intentions.

Now this morning, I didn't miss my prayer and it would have been easy, so easy. It's called right when it's time to get Aaminah ready for school and I'm rushing. But I made time. Not a big deal, really. It's the least, and I mean the VERY least I can do as a Muslim. Make salat. It's a pillar of Islam, right? After saying there is NO God BUT Allah swt and Muhammad is His last and final messenger, we must make our prayer.

So why reward me for doing the very minimum? Because, my dear sisters, Allah is merciful. He loves us more than our mothers, more than our husbands and children. He loves us and wants what is good for us. So even when I come crawling, making my prayer at the very last minute, almost forgetting to worship my Creator in the mad rush of the morning, He comes running to me. He comforts me. He encourages me. He blesses me.

Alhamdulillah I am Muslim and I serve the One, the Only, the Eternal, the Absolute. Allahu akbar!!!

Well, howdy-ho!

 

Salaam ya'll! I know, I know, it's been a RIDICULOUS amount of time since I last updated but sometimes, there just isn't much to say. Or there is a LOT to say but someone's husband doesn't like her to say these things. :) Either way, here I am now so let's just get down to business, shall we?

I would like to introduce a new theme for my blog and that's basically, just a bunch of random thoughts that I'm pretty sure most of you won't be interested in but I like writing so there's that. I like keeping track of Lil Miss's hilarious stories and let me tell you, she does not disappoint in that department! I did get pretty bummed when I lost ALL of my photos on my blog. :( I was going to delete a few that Cap'n objected to but I did not want allll of my pics gone. Boo hoo hoo. But they are so I decided all I can do now is forge ahead, dear readers. :)

So where to start? OK so my health... as you know I was on dialysis last year after my Hospital Episode of 2 weeks! I had probably 10 surgeries and truth be told, I was very ill. Alhamdulillah. Anyway I eventually decided enough was enough and asked my medical team to just stop and give me a couple of weeks. Turns out my kidney, hereafter always to be known as "little buddy", while indeed failing, still provides just enough funciton for me to eek out an existence. Yay! ;) So I am at about 10% kidney function which is, dear readers, dialysis level and I have officially joined the "End Stage Renal FAILURE" club but I am not doing treatment. I feel better and stronger than I did on dialysis so it's a win/win as far as I'm concerned.

Disclaimer: I'm still super sick. I get tired verrrry easily. My house doesn't get messed up and cleaned in the same day. We don't always have the home made 5 dish meals I like to cook. I'm at peace with that. :) I am able to be Ummi to Aami and function at a reasonable (for me) level and for that I'm... all together now... grateful. :D

Immigration update: Cap'n is STILL in the midst of the Carribean. However.... USCIS did approve our petition so yay!!!!! We are simply waiting on a visa interview which should be easy peasy lemon squeezy, done and dusted as the Brits say. I'm so relieved and just reallllly ready to be a family in toto again. :)

What else is there to say? Oh yes Aaminah has a kitty. Bless our heart, it's the third one. Maximus the Catticus should have been named Sh*tty kitty bec he was just mean! So he went back to his original family. Then a few months ago we tried an older girl, maybe 2 years old. However, she did NOT like little children a fact the people who gave her to me said might happen. We took her for a trial and it didn't work out so yep, you guessed it, back she went.

Now we have a new little kitty, 8 weeks old, Aaminah named her "Mimzy". She's cute and cuddly and on my lap as we speak. Aaminah is the Queen of Kitty Land and is in heaven! She is mostly verrrry kind and gentle with her but after a day of school she tends to get a little wild. Working on that with her.

What, you say, Aaminah has grown in the time since I last blogged and is now in school? Yes, she is! My baby done growed up. ;) She started KG this year in our local private Islamic school and let me tell you she looks adorable in her uniform! I could just squeeze her cheeks and kiss her cute little face, which I do quite often. :)

So if any of you took advantage of the fb add button on the side, you already knew all of this stuff. Pretty sure a lot of my fb friends will be happy I've started blogging again; it should cut down on the number of posts I generate on their newsfeeds. Oh well, as I told them once, if they are really my friend they will want to know and if they aren't they shouldn't be on my page. :)

OK so I guess I'll leave something to say the next time. Until then, please keep us in your du'a and I'll say a prayer for you also. Ma salaama!

Just some randomness

A'salaamu alaikum ya'll. As normal, when I'm bored and uninspired I just put up some random bits 'n pieces. :-) So enjoy a few photos and captions.

$3 bucks each for cupcakey-goodness. Yeah, it was worth it. From City Cupcakes in Knoxville, TN. Yum!



Super-cool 30 foot high sculpture in the new part of the hospital. It's very beautiful.

Little Miss on my Mamaw's front porch. I've spent many hours of my life here; it's so beautiful and peaceful.

Some of my favorite "ethnic" ingredients: basmati rice, masoor dal, tomato paste and red pepper paste. I can make countless meals from these staples!

Meet BOBB (big ole bean bag). He is made from shredded memory foam and is comfy!These are really pricey but I found it on craigslist for $40. A $200 savings. :-) It unzips to make a full-sized mattress. I also bought BOBB II which is MASSIVE and has 2 queen size mattresses in it. Subhanallaha. :-)

Natural cleaner. White vinegar and citrus (orange) peels. Cleans like a charm!

Another craigslist find. Paid $55 for this uber-sleek Ikea tv stand. Nice.

I was there today. :-) For my CT-guided biopsy.



From latest issue of Food Network Cooking magazine. Love it! This is Ginger Beer (non-alcoholic ya'll) chicken. A nod to my Caribbean Cap'n. :-) Insha'Allah I'll make this soon and update ya'll.

One of our local playgrounds. Very nice and Aaminah is quite the fan.



Larger pic. I snapped this for Cap'n as he said his cute little country ;-) doesn't have public play areas. :-( So sad, we have miles of greenways even in our little mid-sized city.

Alright, hope ya'll enjoy our little picture time. Tired and gonna rest. :-)

Dua, please

My empty (unmade, ha!) bed or alternate title, where I should be parking my happy behind right now instead of behind my laptop. :-) Yeah, that. Praise Allah for private rooms!!!

A'salaamu alaikum ya'll. So I'll be here until at least the end of next week (Friday) and quite possibly longer. 2 weeks in the hospital, 2 weeks away from Aaminah, my home, my job, my life. Alhamdulillah. My kidney is just not responding to the treatment (at all) and the doctors are hoping the 2 extra treatments of IV immunoglobulin and plasmapharesis will be effective. Ya Allah, amin!

Cap'n already had a visitor visa interview on Monday to come over and meet 'n greet my family and for us to meet in person. Especially now, me travelling for us to get married there is just not gonna happen. At least not for a while (if at all) and this is a huge strain on both of us. So we had already set up an interview for Monday. I had my doctor write a note which has been faxed, explaining the gravity of my health situation. "Stable but in very serious condition". I am sick, khalas, so I can at least hope to get a small benefit from it. If they approve his visitor visa application so he can come see his extremely sick fiancee, it will jump start this whole process.

As you probably know, until you meet in person, face to face, you cannot begin any immigration proceedings. Well we speak daily on the phone, text, email but we haven't met face-to-face. We intended to in January but his visitor visa was denied. :-( Alhamdulillah. So we made plans for me to travel to see him in February (put off bec of my job alhamdulillah which enables me to travel!) and then circumstances pushed it to March. OK now it's March and we had planned on his visitor visa interview and if denied, I would just immediately book a flight and go, get married, start our processing, and take it from there.

Can't happen now. I sincerely hope the interviewer at the consulate is cognizant of the fact I cannot travel and he has to come here in order for us to meet. Otherwise, especially if my kidney does not improve, I cannot travel. I'll be on dialysis or at least too ill to be away from standardized, affordable medical care.

So much is riding on him getting to come here. Such as, the start of our life together :) and me having a help-mate, a husband, a friend, a companion. Oh yeah, a husband. So please make dua for us that he is granted this visa. I have been making dua, asking Allah to please grant me shifa, protect my family and loved ones, and let Cap'n come. I would like to ask everyone reading this to please do the same and especially remember Aaminah in your dua. She is being taken EXCELLENT care of but she needs her mama.

Last night my sister brought her by to tell me goodnight. She saw me sitting in the waiting area (Oh how hard it was to walk downstairs, out of breath, no energy) but she saw me before I saw her and yelled, "Mama!" and came running and hugging and kissing. Wallah it's enough to break your heart. I am sure more than a few bystanders were touched as well by her poignant call. I know it made my heart skip a beat (or two).

Oh on a different front, hygiene. Hospital hygiene. Can you say non-existant?? Well for me it's very difficult. I have the in-dwelling vascular catheter in my upper thigh which goes straight into a main vein. So it's imperative to keep it dry and clean. No water can touch it, only sterile drapes and environment. :-( So baths and even showers are out. I tried the body wash clothes but for real, they smell like nasty baby wipes and it's just gross. I've done the "stand in an inch of hot water and wash off with a damp soapy cloth" but again, no real joy.

I also do not wear typical hospital clothes. I have my go-to outfit for the hospital. I wear wide, soft black pants, an underdress that is a big snug, and then an overshirt with long sleeves, past my knees. Topped off by no other than my black khimar, 24/7. Yes. So now I am reaching that stage where I need a change of clothes as well because I cannot stand to be unclean or immodest. I hate hospital gowns with a passion. Rough, scratchy, immodest... so I think I'll get a friend to pick up lounge-y clothes for me today at home, take this one and wash it and bring it back. It's cute, comfy, modest and makes me feel like less of a patient although I know very well that I am one. :-)

Wow, why am I up so early blogging?? Well doctors and nurses have to come in at all hours, I have lots of time to rest (typically) and that equals a blog post at 6:46 am. Keeping in mind the time changed today and it's really 5:46 am to my body and brain. :-)

Alright pretty sure I've moaned on long enough now. I have been keeping a headache, stiff neck, etc. and my go-to treatment (a bath) is a no-no now so I've been depending on tylenol. :-( I hate to take more meds, I'm on an enormous amount now. Actually I'll go over them with you so you can get a feel:

Prograf, new anti-rejection med*
Myfortic, anti-rejection med
MASSIVE doses of prednisone yay me. No not really except insha'Allah it will work!
Spironolactone, diuretic
Magnesium oxide*
Nexxium (for stomach pain)
IV Immunoglobulin (human antibodies ewwwww lol)*
Albumin (human protein ewwww lol) to replace plasma lost in exchange*
tylenol and bendaryl, pre-medication for the antibody treatment so only on those days*
IV blood pressure meds* secondary to the high steroids so i'A will go away after but time will tell
IV calcium (on plasmapharesis days)*
Intramuscular insulin (for my newly developed diabetes secondary to high steroid use so i'A temporary)*
Potassium citrate or chloride, depending on my blood chemistries
Sodium bicarb*
A one time dose of morphine which made me LOOPY and caused me to sing a response to my sister afterwards. I've stuck with percocet and tylenol since, thankyouverymuch*

Ok so all items * are new. Alhamdulillah for modern medicine and the knowledge Allah swt gives human to better our condition. Alhamdulillah for the gift of dua to beseech Allah to help us in our times of trouble.

Okey dokey, I think that's enough. My head is aching (surprise) and probably tap, tap, tapping away at the keyboard isn't the most conducive thing to helping it go away. A nice cuppa milky tea, however, would do the trick. I need tea!!!!!!!!! :-)

Please, just remember my family and I in your dua. Cap'n and the stress he is facing, Aaminah and her tender little heart, and yes, my transplanted buddy. :-) Keep us all in your prayers.

Ma salaama ya'll....

Health update and miscellany

A'salaamu alaikum ya'll. Wow a lot has happened, good and bad. Let's get the bad out of the way. I have very bad veins from years of over-use and prednisone therapy which really weakens them. End result, I have 2 ivs in my arms, about 10 places where my veins blew and I know have lovely deep dark blue bruises, and I've ran out of access sites. I also have a cath placed in my groin, a long flexible tube with which to do my plasmapharesis treatments. Like dialysis treatment but it spins out my plasma to remove the offending antibodies. On the off days I take an IV immunoglobulin treatment to irritate those bad antibodies so they will swell and more easily be removed insha'allah by the treatment on the following day.

I'll be here til Tuesday more than like, that's a week and some change. I really miss Aaminah. I keep waking up thinking the alarm going off will bother her but of course she isn't here sleeping with me. :-( I have wonderful friends masha'Allah who are keeping her (the sister I stayed with for so long) may Allah swt bless her and her family, amin!

I'm on a massive dose of steroids which has so many bad side-effects but insha'Allah will really kick the cellular rejection in the butt so it's worth it. I am considering however putting off my wedding. The side-effects from steroids are very unpleasant. Facial, neck and trunchal swelling (oh joy!) as well as red face and over heating. Increased body hair growth and acne can occur as well. I just don't want to feel ugly and self-concious when I meet Cap'n. I think this is a natural feeling. It's not that I don't think he can handle it, it's just my vanity speaking. So I am unsure at this point if we will marry in March or not. I just want to look the best I can look; trust me, I'm not asking for much here!!! lol

I also have started diabetes treatment with insulin injections. Eek! Alhamdulillah the docs said it's a common reaction to the crazy high doses of steroids so it should calm down within a short time. I was preparing myself for actually having diabetes so file this under "good news".

It was also a wake up call, sisters. Type II diabetes is totally preventable. Lose weight, exercise, eat better. Nothing weird or strenuous involved. Walk, be active, limit your sugar and carbs but not like a strict diet, just healthier eating. Since I've started working my diet has went downhill. We eat lunch out almost every day. Now a co-worker and I share our meals. We are food twins (well she eats pork at her home of course) but otherwise we both love the same things. So we can get a meal for one and share it so at least the unhealthiness of the whole affair is somewhat diluted.

Also when I get ill (with kidney failure) I lose most of my appetite. Food is no longer so appealing and even if it is, I can only eat a few bites and I'm full. To be honest I think that is a good thing as well, no complaints here except for the reason. :-) Now let's factor in the hospital food. Oh mama! Actually a few things have been tasty and they've added turkey bacon for the first time ever so I do get one little thin slice at breakfast. Gives a bit of taste to my reduced sodium fare. :-)

Wow this post is all over the place. I'm on a steroid high right now so forgive. Alright prognosis: still unsure. We are hoping to stop this rejection and possibly reclaim some lost ground. Just not sure if that can happen, will know more next week. I am trying to stay positive sisters and make lots of dua. I firmly believe this has been, overall, a positive thing for me.

It is giving me a new appreication for my transplant and life in general. Reminded me how tenuous our health can be, a lesson I should have well-learned by now. :-) It has brought me closer to Allah in that I know my life and death is in His hands and has been a wonderful way to bring me back to the power and serenity of beseeching the One for all my needs. We get so caught up in "look what I'm doing" we over look that we can do NOTHING without Allah. So anytime I have hardship I sincerely try to look for the lesson in it. Here is what I've came away with (list time):

1. As I said, a renewed appreciation for my health.
2. Feeling stronger Islamically and a definite strengthening in my iman.
3. I truly believe in Allah's promise after hardship there is ease. Some times it's easier to cling to than at other times, as we are human, but this episode has really shown me this.
4. I am sooo blessed by my friends and family. I've had visitors and phone calls and prayers. I have 8 flower arrangements and candy (eek! lol) and balloons. Cards and well-wishes. It just makes me want to cry when I realize how loved I am!
5. It's given me a much-needed reset from work and given me time to blog to you guys. OK so the last one, I'm really not grateful for, but I am grateful to be able to fill some of my idle hours by updating you guys. :-) But it's not worth being sick for! LOL
6. It has made me much more concious of the fact that I can wail and moan about my situation but if I'm not gonna be pro-active then I am the problem. So yeah, I have kidney disease. Yeah, I have blah blah blah. But I can be healthier, more active, and lose a bit of weight. I can do things to make it easier on my transplant to work well for a long time.

Please make dua that Allah swt strengthens me in my desires to make positive changes. that I am more mindful of my body and it's rights over me, that I find a better balance between my obligations so I feel I am being a full person not just an automatron, work work work work work. :-) Grateful for the job but definitely the stress of how much I've worked, coupled with my own inability to prioritize, helped set this stage for where I am now. Sick, in the hospital, away from my daughter, my job, my home.

Thank you all for your prayers, thank you for reading, and thank you for being my sisters (and brothers) in Islam. Allah does not burden a body with more than it can take and I am grateful past words that He has found me up to the challenges He has set for me.

My flower, baloon, and card corner. I did have the flowers over my a/c vent til I realized I was having an allergic reaction to the pollen I was shooting out all over my room! lol Allergy resolved. :-)



Eye candy! I had bought this bag last year but A didn't like it, too blingy. I gave it to my mom but she's pretty plain jane. She gave it back, cue happy day!

This is the bling-y keychain. Cute yes? I love this bag and Cap'n doesn't have an aversion to me carrying it so it's all good. :-) I joke I'm like a mullet (bizness up front but party in the back!) I'm all bizness up top (abaya) but my accessories bring the party (cute shoes and bags). I like being a woman. :-)

Ma salaama ya'll!

Nationalism and Islam

A'salaamu alaikum ya'll. So this question started floating around in my head a bit today. What does it mean to be American? How do we define that? Does it mean our blood flows red, white and blue? Does it mean we strive to uphold the ideals of "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness"?

I don't think it means any of that. To be American means, simply, that you were born in this country. There are millions of Americans incarcerated; untold numbers who are pedophiles, child abusers, drunkards, and wife-beaters. There are red-blooded Americans who still believe in apartheid on the most basic level and would see the majority of our population ruled by the very distinct minority. (Oh wait, it already is, my bad. LOL).

Please, before my detractors get all riled up, I believe there are many more good, kindhearted, open-minded people in America than there are from the above groups. I am just making a point. :-)

So if by definition, being American simpy means you were born into this society/culture or accepted as a citizen (after testing and payments and hardships, btw) what is there to be so proud about?

Mahatma Ghandi (among others) said, "A nation's greatness is measured by how it treats it's weakest members". If we look at the track record of almost any nation that was ever in existence and judge them by this standard, it would be disheartening to say the least. None should be "proud" to be called from any nation.

This is why in Islam we are taught to turn from nationality and turn to Allah. To turn to the teachings of our prophets and messengers, may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon them all! We are encouraged to love and want for our brother or sister what we want for ourselves. To love what Allah loves and hate what He hates.

Even in the last sermon of our beautiful Prohet Muhammad (saws) he said:

"All mankind is from Adam and Huwa, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over black nor a black has any superiority over white except by piety and good action. Learn that every Muslim is a brother to every Muslim and that the Muslims constitute one brotherhood.

How beautiful, how clear are these words, these commands. We are to feel NO superiority over another unless it is in our good deeds and piety. Which, btw, a Mu'min never feels he is pious enough nor good enough in his deeds. As Cap'n recently related to me:

"He (Imam Malik) was the man about whom Ash-Shafi’ee said, 'When scholars are mentioned, Malik is like the star among them.' Malik said that he did not sit to give Fatwa, before 70 of the Madina scholars first witnessed to his competence in doing so."

Subhanallah, Imam Malik, who had more knowledge than you or I can comprehend, refused to consider himself knowledgeable, a scholar, a shaykh, until 70 of his peers felt him to be so. Just a little dose of reality for you all, my friends. :-)

It is narrated by Abu Da’wud that the Messenger of Allah (saaw) said:

“He is not one us who calls for ..Asabiyyah, (nationalism/tribalism) or who fights for ..Asabiyyah or who dies for ..Asabiyyah.”

This does not mean we cannot be proud of the good actions of our country. If you live in a place where Muslims are accepted and allowed to practice freely, be proud of that. If you happen to be of a certain ancestry and you like to learn about your history or past customs, there is no problem. What this hadith means is that we do not place our nationalism ahead of our religion. (Even the sahaba had names which indicated their country of ancestry such as Salman Al-Farsi for example.)

"My prayers and sacrifice, my life and death are all for Allah, Lord of all the Worlds" (Qur'an 6:162). There is no clearer injunction that our lives, in totality, are to be lived for the glory of Allah swt.

So we can see as Muslims we are to turn away from nationalism, to be proud only of the good deeds we do FI SABILILLAH. I wish more people in this world, non-Muslims and Muslim alike, would strive to be good people, not good nationalists.

Ma salaama ya'll.

Introducing the newest member...

A'salaamu alaikum ya'll. Sorry I just can't get into the hang of updating again. Before, I had a very ordered life and writing was a very important outlet for me. Now I feel like I stay busier but in happier ways (not as frantic as before) and my desire to write has dropped off by the wayside.

By the way, if any of ya'll are staticians, you would see this correlates nicely with my "love" life by which I mean married life. :-) When I am single I am so busy taking care of EVERYTHING I don't have the luxury of sitting around, thinking about the world's problems. :-) Once that area of my life gets settled, I always have much more free time.

And what is your status, UofA? Well now isn't that the million dollar question. I hate hate hate hate hate (ok not really so strongly) when people suggest and hint at things but never spill the beans so to speak. So I shall endeavor to keep my openness and transparency alive and well.

I can't say. :-))

Oh that's funny. OK yes alhamdulillah I am engaged. I am not asking for advice or support in this issue, dear readers. It's done and dusted as the English say and I'm all set (my nod to Massachusetts speak).  I have made my selection carefully and will, in due course, update you all. I thank my reader who very sincerely have her advice that I concentrate on my daughter and my life, finding a way to support ourselves sans husband.

I've done that, for most of my life actually. I've never been married long enough to feel stable alhamdulillah. I no longer feel like I have to prove anything, to myself or the rest of the world. As a Muslim woman, I am entitled to have a husband or other mahrem who will take care of myself and Aaminah. But sisters, I do not mean simply financially. I mean emotional support. That kind that comes from the male of our species. :-) Someone to hold my hand and kiss my forehead, someone to take bugs out of the house *s* and to snuggle up with when watching a movie.

More importantly, someone to grow in my deen with, to encourage and be encouraged, to love and honor and respect, to have someone to take care of again. Oh how I miss that! Yes I take care of little Aaminah and others but it's just... different with your husband. It fulfills a part of me and makes me indescribably happy. Making that post-fajr tea or preparing a favorite dish; what can I say, I am a nurturer to the nth degree and I am happy being this way. :-)

However in the past I have nurtured others and ignored myself. I will definitely be looking for more balance this time, someone who can baby and be babied and yes, sisters, I need that too. To be treated sweetly, like a glass vessel masha'Allah. How perfect is all of Allah's creation and how beautifully he has made us for one another. I still trust and believe in this sisters, despite it all, because of it all. :-)

I love my sisters in Islam, I love my community, I love my family, my children. I am blessed beyond compare but I, like so many others, want what I do not have. For me, my holy grail is a good marriage, stable, with a loving, kind, funny, affectionate, practicing brother. I have amended my definition a bit as I have gotten older of what makes a great husband. I use to want the whole package; how tiring, looking for something that doesn't exist. :-) I cannot be everything, I can just be me. I can't expect more than that of my brothers, now can I?

So what am I doing different this time? Personal references baby from someone who reallly knows the person. It's very nice for the imam to give a good reference as I got for A but that doesn't really tell you what the person is like outside of the masjid, in a home setting, when we are bad-tempered or sick. So my very best friend Um Bilal is married and her husband is a wondeful person masha'Allah. His best friend of 13+ years was introduced to me and I am pleased to say that the brother has been everything I was told he was.

Now, here is where the full-disclosure ends. Abu B's friend is a very private sort of person. I have of course already directed him to my blog to find out how I feel about everything from refrigerated hashbrowns to matters of our ummah. So he is aware I have this space and I write in it. After marriage, my content might change depending on what he is comfortable with. Of course I am hoping certain things will still be ok with him but as I've never been particularly private I definitely want to make him comfortable.

I do however, have a photo of him I snapped today that I would love to share. Enjoy!

Yes it's not really him, my new man isn't made from legos. :-) But he is a pirate (we'll call him Cap'n) and he is from the Caribbean and other than that, I must keep mum. Insha'allah post wedded-bliss, we will see what transpires. I hope to keep you all updated on my life and times, my sads and happies and always always always my striving to be a better muslimah, wife, mother, friend and human being. :-)